moussu.net Blog

ce n’est qu’un au revoir, mes frere, ce n’est qu’un au revoir… oui nous nous reverrons…
including parking at the airport, food in a restaurant twice a day avec le ministre de machin, le chef de bidule, le directeur d’intel, room at a little bed & breakfast, taxis and buses, plane ticket, and conference registration, this little conference will cost me at least $200 per DAY! no, you don’t need glasses, that’ll be a MINIMUM of $1000 for five days of hell! enfin, l’enfer en californie c’est quand meme mieux que l’enfer en indiana! et peut-etre que je rencontrerai schwartzie?! really exciting! humm….. where exactly will i find those $1000? zat iz ze qwechtion!

here’s the round trip (very round indeed!). you’d think that for the price i’m paying for the ticket they’d find me something a little more direct… mais non madame, pour CE prix c’est tout ce que nous avons! allee: rouge, retour: bleu.

vous allez me manquer! ecrivez-moi des tas de petits messages pour quand je reviendrai, et ne partez pas trop longtemps

it was HOT yesterday, and i mean really hot, like 25C degres au moins or something like that! and so, for the first time this year i didn’t freeze in my house et meme que mon ordinateur et moi on avait un peu trop chaud and i had to turn off all the heaters and open the windows… and… oh delice… pour la premiere fois de l’annee… i was able to sleep without heavy pjs de flanelle et d’hiver … and to instead sleep in a comfortable et coquine petite chemise de nuit! (can’t say it in english, i’d offend respectable americans!) ah, sentir l’air de la nuit sur ma peau enfin… such comfort, such sweetness… petit plaisir de la vie…

zut, je sens que je vais encore choquer le gratin parisien…

J’etais donc en train de manger un de ces delicieux petits fromages (voir note ci-dessous a propos de ma decouverte miraculeuse de ce produit) quand la texture molle, insipide et blanchatre dans laquelle je mordais a pleine dents me rappela soudain celle de la vache qui rit. En moi-meme et en mon fort interieur je me dit « ben ca alors, si il y a la meme chose dans le babybel que dans la vache qui rit, on n’a pas fini de rire! » En effet, un de mes chers oncles travaille dans la vache qui rit (mais si, il y a pire comme boulot!) et il nous raconta un jour et avec delectation et ravissement les ingredients de fabrication de ce celebre fromage bien francais d’Auvergne du terroir et d’appellation controlee. Depuis, la famille inventa cette charmante petite melodie qui vient droit du coeur et exprime tres bien ce qu’on en pense: « la vache qui rit, c’est exquis (pronnoncez cetexquis), c’est fait avec du fromage pourri (chantez le dernier mot sur une note haute et triomphante)! »

D’apres ce site (qui ne cite pas babybel dans sa liste des 500 fromages francais mais y met la vache qui rit, c’est injuste, je vais raler!), il faut deguster ce delicat fromage en buvant un petit vin rouge leger, rouge fruite, ou rose, et la saison de la vache qui rit est en ete ou en automne (ben c’est logique, la chaleur fait pourrir les fromages plus vite donc le temps de fabrication est plus court et donc la production bat son plein quand il fait chaud! (miam miam! … tiens j’ai justement un p’tit creux…)) (par contre, la Vache Picon (qui ressemble vachement a celle de mon voisin), est bonne a consommer toute l’annee elle, et avec un petit blanc sec leger; c’est toujours bon a savoir, ca!). Merde, c’etait trop tot pour acheter mes babybels et j’ai oublie le vin! Et voila, mon p’tit-dej. est foutu! … Enfin, au moins maintenant vous savez tout ce qu’il y a a savoir (et meme plus que vous n’auriez voulu savoir) sur le ba ba ba, ba ba bybel!

So this morning I felt like this: but right now, things are calming down a little and I feel more like that: There is some balance, some quietness maybe, some « I remember how I normally feel » kind of mood in this last image, a hunch that maybe stability and equilibrium may return. There is hope.

I am leaving in a few days for an international conference in California. I have so much to do that I avoid talking to friends online, I eat tons of junk food, I am mean to my students, and I make lists of things that I must do before I leave that keep getting bigger and scarier. But hey, I got an A on my HR 630 paper! That was not an easy one to get and I am very proud of myself … The uneasiness and fear I was feeling last semester and at the beginning of this semester concerning this class are disappearing and I know a little more what is expected of me, what I am able to do, and how I should do it… and I am no longer afraid of those intimidating businessmen who know everything, because now I do know a little something too. I might (might) even get an A in this class…

Ah je suis super contente! Depuis quelques temps, on pouvait trouver du Supreme des Ducs a Target, le premier fromage francais a peu pres decent (parce que leur Brie est un peu degueu) a part le « bleue cheese » mais on peut pas bouffer du bleue cheese toute l’annee, et ce soir, j’ai pu y trouver pour la premiere fois des petits filets rouges et mignons de BABYBEL!!! Ah, le babybel de mon enfance… d’abord le plastique rouge qui fait un peu noel, et puis les petites languettes de papier qu’on tire doucement pour decouvrir le fromage qui se cache a l’interieur, la coque qui se separe et offre un petit coeur blanc et pateux au gout insipide… la cire rouge avec laquelle on peut faire plein de petites boules collantes et s’en foutre plein les mains… miam miam, quel delice! J’en ai achete trois petits filets!

This is just too good to miss: war rationale version 10.0.

When i hurt that much, physically, and can’t sleep, can’t think, can’t work, can’t study, can’t do anything but hurt, i feel like this:

or like that (that’s right now):

I’ve always been intrigued and attracted by spirals… I don’t know why, that’s what represents my emotions and feelings the best. It’s the first time I find pictures of spirals that represent exactly what I am feeling at this precise moment in time! They came from this page. It is simply incredible, extraordinary, amazing! Click on the link, and then scroll down a little until you see the small, medium, or large applets that can be lauched… choose one… and then click on the picture… wait… click again… wait… click again… wait sometimes a minute or two if the picture looks especially interesting… In fact, the whole website is simply unbelievable. You have to find out what your cursor does to the pictures and shapes and words and images… move it around… wait… click… play with the mathematical equations behind all this… Really fun, weird, beautiful, odd, cool!

Start here or there for other amazing stuff.

A couple of days ago, i asked my students to write about « rain » … and today, it is raining, pouring, raining buckets, cats and dogs, des cordes, un deluge, a verse… ca reuille comme on dit en Suisse! I love that. I open my window, turn off the music, and listen to the doux bruit de la pluie, par terre et sur les toits, and I sleep better and I breathe better and I feel more relaxed. I love to go out in the rain too, and to get drenched, soaked, trampee jusqu’aux os, and to feel the water go down my face like millions of tears…

J’adore entendre le gai flic-flac,
Le son joyeux de la goutte d’eau
Qui tombe et qui claque,
Ce clapotis qu’en pizzicato
Font les petites flaques.
C’est la romance de la pluie.

I am completely burned out when it comes to teaching. School’s ok for now… in fact, I dread grading papers more than taking the august prelim exams right now… I find no energy in it anymore, and fighting with (some) students to get them to do some decent work is exhausting and draining. I am at the point where I hope I won’t get a job this summer…

PS: Je repete ma question d’hier et j’attends toujours des reponses (merci Jeanne)… il parait (information de quatrieme main) que la famille cote parisien trouve ce blog trop prive et choquant. Non mais c’est vrai, comment osais-je ainsi exposer ma vie personelle a la vue de n’importe quel communiste chinois ou americain pervers ou terroriste iranien ou dictateur venezuelien ou cretin des Alpes?! Bon… vous n’avez pas besoin de le lire si ca vous choque… tant pis, etant-donne que je l’ecris en partie pour vous, pour vous tenir au courant de ma vie « de folle » (comme dirait ma chere mere)… mais comme on dit en anglais, « it’s your loss! » Qu’en pensent les autres francais, les italiens et les suisses (et les autres aussi)? Je peux aussi arreter d’ecrire… Rien que de voir combien de personnes ne me repondent pas, ca me donne envie d’arreter!

petite note en francais en bas de page… qui a besoin de commentaires… j’attends!

I just finished reading two amazing books that I highly recommend to anyone trying to avoid doing the dishes, cleaning the house, doing homework, or going out in the rain: The Life of Pi (l’histoire de Pi en francais) by Yann Martel and Waiting (la longue attente en francais) by Ha Jin.

I first heard about this book in my World Englishes class because the author is from China but lives in the US and writes in English. He served in the People’s Liberation Army and has also written poetry and other successful texts such as The Pond (la mare), which I want to read next. This is the story of our lives: we wait for better jobs, the end of school, more money, a vacation, a better relationship… but while we wait, we waste the time we have now, and when we actually get what we want, we still want something else. So, we wait and wait and wait, but we never enjoy today! This story is culturally very interesting because it takes place right after the Cultural Revolution. It addresses the problems of ancient vs. modern civilizations, divorce, family, politics, the countryside vs. the city, fame, miracles, fear, and missed opportunities. Towards the end of the story, Lin, the anti-hero, finally realizes something we should all try to remember: « All those years you waited torpidly, like a sleepwalker, pulled and pushed about by others’ opinions, by external pressure, by your illusions, by the official rules you internalized. You were misled by your own frustration and passivity, believing that what you were not allowed to have was what your heart was destined to embrace. » … but that was only 1/2 the truth…

The Life of Pi is an amazing story too because it makes the reader laugh, cry, understand the world better, and learn tons of interesting facts about surviving, animals, courage, zoos, school, power, faith, India, Japanese officials, and odd carnivorous trees. This is the story of a young Indian boy sadly named « Piscine Patel, » who decides to become a Muslim, a Christian, and a Buddhist, and whose family owns a zoo in Pondicherry in India. When they decide to go live in Canada they take several of their animals and go on a boat… which sinks, leaving Pi soon alone in a small lifeboat in the company of a Bengal tiger named Richard Parker! This story made me laugh so often… especially the first 1/3 and the last 1/3. In the middle, it gets a little boring if you’re not highly interested in fishing techniques and boat terminology, but keep reading, it is worth it! I love to imagine my students from India in that boat, I can just picture someone very well… Pi, while on his lifeboat, says, « My greatest wish–other than salvation–was to have a book. A long book with a never-ending story. One that I could read again and again, with new eyes and fresh understanding each time. » Well, The Life of Pi is definitely one of these books.

PS: J’espere que cette information ne vous choque pas trop! … en effet il parait (information de quatrieme main) que la famille cote parisien trouve ce blog trop prive et choquant. Bon… vous n’avez pas besoin de le lire si ca vous choque… tant pis, etant-donne que je l’ecris en partie pour vous, pour vous tenir au courant de ma vie « de folle » (comme dirait ma chere mere)… mais comme on dit en anglais, « it’s your loss! » Qu’en pensent les autres francais, les italiens et les suisses (et les autres aussi)? Je peux aussi arreter d’ecrire…

PPS: My poor previous attempt at some kind of design for this blog didn’t work on Macs and with IE, so I had to change it… and I decided to go back to the original greens (check that, back from 11/12/2002 – 12/07/2002. Like it?

PICTURES!!

here’s one… to make you want to see more… that’s the view i had from my office when i was working there…

Heureux qui comme Ulysse a fait un long voyage…

… and is back to the real world…

this weekend, I must ($=time consuming, $$=very time consuming, $$$=horribly time consuming!) (#%@=painful, %#@!*#= very painful, @#&^#@!&*=super horribly painful! (important because what is the most time consuming might not be the most painful activity… and vice-versa!)) (and the list may increase at any time):

- write an economics paper ($$$$$$) (@*&^!@#&@%$!#%!^*&!#$%@!!*&!#!)
- go show Pie to students tonight ($)
- grade 15 papers ($$$$) (@#&%@!&*)
- plan next week’s classes and invite guests for interviews ($$)
- write a ling. paper ($) (@&!*)
- answer the econ. questions online ($$) (@#&%@#)
- do the reading for HR ($$) (@#!)
- read and reply to the 37 emails i received while in utah ($$) (@#!)
- write a letter of recommendation ($) (@&%^#!*&*@#!@$!)
- do some research for final ling. paper ($$$$$) (@*&)
- do the reading for economics class ($$) (*&@*&^!%#!)
- schedule the presentations i need to attend at tesol ($)
- not speak to anyone online or i’ll never finish all this (#%@#*&^!)
- not learn about php or i’ll never finish all this (#%@!@*&^#@)
- not work on my website or i’ll never finish all this (#%@)
- not try to understand why mac+IE won’t read my journal or i’ll never finish all this (#%@)
- not read 15 other blogs or i’ll never finish all this (#%@#%@!*)
- not look at and organize my 80-something utah pictures (@*&!@*&!@!!!)
- not listen to music and waste time or i’ll never finish all this (#%@)
- not take a nap or i’ll never finish all this (#%@)
- not look for a nice poem to write here or i’ll never finish all this (#%@)
- not try to clean my house or i’ll never finish all this
- not unpack my suitcase or i’ll never finish all this
- not eat or i’ll never finish all this (#%@)
- NOT DO ANYTHING INTERESTING BUT ONLY HOMEWORK or i’ll never finish all this (@*&!@&!~&*^%$@*&^!@#$!@*&^%$#!!)!

i have to pack and fly and fly and fly and i hate that. thank goodness mark is picking me up in indy! i just spent a wonderful day with wonderful friends and am asking myself: if i were living here, would i actually see all these friends that often and have that much fun with them the way i did this week? thinking of the past… yes, i did spend some time grading student papers and eating chinese food with bequie and going to the sushi place and speaking french with judy… saw dan & co. rarely… the elc people all the time of course… my teachers all the time too… no fun there… bob and molli rarely… so really, if i think about it, the fun would definitely not last if i stayed here and i meet with friends in indiana about as often as i would meet with friends if i were here. still… my friends here have more « history » and we « go way back when » … dan in switzerland… molli in old mill… judy learning french… hae hin in class… bequie at work for many years… sad that myq is gone now… my ex-students are all over the world… i don’t think i’ve created such strong friendships in indiana yet, after only 2 years. i mean, if i left indiana today and went back there after 2-3 years, who would i still want to see? who would i remember? who would remember me? who would still be there anyway?? ok, i would really want to see margie and tony and chris… gigi and mark and xiaoye and the others would be gone… i’m glad that i was able to spend some good time with the most important people here: bequie, judy, molli, dan…. and all the others too. friends for life, in my heart forever. i love you all! … and remember, you’ll always be welcome in lafayette

time flies… this is my last day here! my heart is full of sunsets, smiles, friendships, mountains, good times, good laughs, good food… well that’d be my stomach really, i ate so much this past week that i don’t think anyone in indiana will recognize me!
yesterday: i went to salt lake to visit hae jin. hadn’t seen her in 3 years… married now… working and not going to school anymore… changed a little… still the same at the same time. i wanted to do many other things afterwards but was too tired and had a hard time breathing (judy says it might also be the altitude… i say it’s also the allergies!) so i went back and slept all afternoon before having dinner with bob and molli at this brasilian restaurant where i had invited them. today: go to the bank, go to the mall with judy and then eat sushi, go to the shooting range and maybe the movie… just thinking of all that makes me tired, but it’s my last day! forget the headache, the painful ears, and the stuffy nose and enjoy enjoy enjoy!!!!

interesting article about india… will have to discuss this with my students!
utah vs. indiana: stores/malls/restaurants are open on sunday in indiana, and the air is so humid there that my hair doesn’t go all static and crazy like in utah! yay, i found two things that i like about indiana–miracles do happen!!!

when i have a few minutes, i like to go from blog to blog and read what people have to say. i usually start with LuLu’s blog because i like what she says plus she has a lot of links, and then i go from link to link, sometimes to links given in the comments… and today i stumbled accross some nasty comments exchanged by some people about the tragedy of madrid. to this, i would like to say a few things:

1) i don’t know about other people, but for every word i write here, there’s 300 i’m thinking but not writing, either because it’s too personal, too long, too boring, or whatever. it means that the ideas expressed here are only a fraction of me, and my readers (few as they are) might get a wrong idea about me just because they don’t know the rest of me… that’s what i try to remember when i read other people’s blogs before i judge them.

2) not being able to express our different opinions without being insulted back helps me understand why this world is in the sad state it is. i tell my students and my friends that they may think whatever they want because i love to learn new ideas and perspectives… and i listen to their reasons and ask for clarifications if i don’t agree with what they have to say and before i insult them. our differences are what should make this world a wonderful place and diversity of color, thoughts, shapes, lives, actions, should be welcomed, not misunderstood and erased.

3) concerning the madrid tragedy, here are (some of) my thoughts: it is horrible, it is beyond sad, and it is incomprehensible. however, it always makes me sad to realize that we go from new tragedy to new tragedy and forget the « in-between » tragedies. yes: 9/11: tragedy; bam: tragedy; madrid: tragedy… but who cries for the children who every day are starving in africa, those killed in colombia, the people tortured in turkey, those imprisonned in guantanamo, the abused women in pakistan, those burnt in india, the people without freedom or rights in china, poverty in peru, dictatorship in argentina, racism in south africa, terror in algeria, corruption in malaysia, violence in the « banlieues » in france… and so much more… who remembers that every day!? i try to. and when i forget, just to remind myself of how lucky i am, i go visit amnesty international’s website, for example… also, we watch it on tv (well, i don’t, that’s why i don’t have a tv actually), we mourn, we are silent for a few minutes, but really, what else do we do about it? i discussed this problem with bam already so i won’t get into it again… but this passivity hurts me very much.

4) the sun is shining today. let’s enjoy the day… i have my family, my friends, my health, and this might be my last day!

it’s been so long since i’ve laughed so much that my jaw hurt last night! as molli, bob, jacob, and i were stuffing ourselves with turkey, beens, mashed potatoes, gravy, jell-o, rolls, and chocolate cake, and playing this really funny game, i was thinking that i am usually alone in my apartment in the evenings, and it’s rare that i am with friends like that and having that much fun!

for a day spent doing « nothing, » yesterday was pretty busy: first, judy and i tried to find an open japanese restaurant… but everything was closed (yeah, i knew i’d start to remember why i left utah!) and so we went to the olive garden, still good ok and really fun to be together again! my ears and throat were hurting a lot… but who cares!? then we went to judy’s place and called hae jin… i’m going to have to drive back up to salt lake to see her on tuesday morning, which is fine i guess… i’m just glad i get to see her again, because it’s been way more than 2 years!! when i left, i decided to go spend money and so went to media play… and desperately tried to find something i could buy… but couldn’t find anything! this was discouraging!! i was just too tired i guess… or something was very wrong with me, because you usually put me in a dvd/cd/book store and i can easily spend hundreds of dollars in 30 minutes!

the evening was a lot of fun, as i explained above. bob and molli are just so kind to me! i was sneezing all the time, coughing, having the hiccups constantly, and my throat, head, and ears were hurting, but i didn’t care, having that much fun is too precious and wonderful! i was going to move to judy’s place today, but i feel too sick to pack and move and unpack and re-pack a couple of days later… just thinking of my trip back on thursday already makes my ears hurt!

i am dreaming a lot lately, especially about trees… destruction of trees to be precise… does anyone know what the symbol is there?

spain… i cry with you in my heart…

today: eat lunch with rob erickson, go to the elc, take a lot of pictures, have dinner with bequie & husband at the sushi place, enjoy, enjoy, enjoy!

day 3
sick, oh so sick… yesterday was fun though: seeing Dan and Michele again, with their 2.5 kids, even though we didn’t speak that much but will do lunch on monday… Dan has not changed one bit, it’s so funny, still skin and bones and greasy hands; Bequie hasn’t changed either, except for the ring on her finger, and we went to the mall to buy me new shoes and three empty journals, ate at the spaghetty factory, talked talked talked, and then watched lost in translation at her place where i met her hubby. great times! i guess the day was so warm that i didn’t wear a coat but i should have, because now my throat is killing me and it’s hard to breathe and i sneeze every 2 secs. brrrr…. i feel so cold i’m going back to bed!

today: DO NOTHING!

day 2:
the headache’s still here. yesterday i only did 2/3 of what i wanted to do because by 1pm MT i was back home and passed out on the bed, feeling seasick and ready to die. i don’t know what’s wrong with me… i’m exhausted to the bones… feel 10 years older.

- the ELC: Joyce is such a sweetheart and seing her and everyone else made it all come back in a second: the students, the friends, the fun, the activities, the TOEFL class, Guillermo… i felt « at home » there, and ready to go upstairs to teach my class… …telling the same stories over and over: purdue, my students, my program, indiana…
- school: this campus has changed SO MUCH that it was hard to believe it’s the same place–incredible new buildings, an underground road around campus to make it more pedestrian i guess, less parking… the JKHB’s still there though, with Dr. Tanner who talked with me for a long time and Dr. Henrichsen too.
- Dr. Tanner: speaking with him is just an experience that always makes me feel good. he never tries to make things sound better than they really are… understands what i’m going through… gives me good advice… is always so kind… too bad he’s so busy. we also discussed about our presentation for TESOL and well, i’m happy to see him again there soon.
- Dr. Henrichsen: was interested in learning more about centralization (of power and money, because he feels upset that the grants his department earns are distributed to other departments too. I said the grants the other departments earn are also distributed to HIS department!) and the 106i program, since they want to do the same kind of thing at BYU now. he told me that excellent student evaluations won’t get me a job but that bad ones will prevent me from getting one. also said that the article i sent to TESOL Quarterly wouldn’t be accepted and that i had to be ready for the letter of rejection. i said i had very low expectations in life…
- El Azteca: delicious sandwitches… yummy… wish i had that in Lafayette!
- The Outback: very popular place, always incredibly crowded, and the food’s still the same: delicious! (especially the pina colada and the blooming onion!)… and yes, i had a steak…
- Jeff: still the Outback man and still the same funny and kind and busy man. Paid for my dinner but not that of Molli, Bob, or Jacob… odd… had a serious car accident last october and never told me about it.

today: call Judy, Dan, and Bequie! will try to go visit Dan and his family early today, take a long nap, and maybe go out tonight with Bequie… and hopefully, i’ll survive. the weather is amazingly sunny and warm and i’m happy to be here! and yes, sadly enough, it IS the last vacation i have before next Christmas, and in fact, it is the LAST REAL vacation i have until i finish my PhD! enjoy enjoy enjoy!!!

petite depeche d’utah en 2 minutes!

- i made a mistake with the time difference: my trip lasted 15 hours, not 11… ADD two hours and not subtract, hehe, i wouldn’t get a 100% on a math test for sure
- i baught a book called « Waiting » (by Ha Jin, which is really good by the way) and read it all day and in almost every airport in the country… pretty funny…
- very sweet to be back here. it’s sunny, warm, beautiful! the mountains are still capped with snow, the sunsets are amazing, people are nice and not in a hurry, my rental car is great (although i forgot my handicap sign, dammit, so i’ll have to live like the « normal people » for a while)… oh my goodness, why did i ever leave??
- the good thing is i know i’ll KNOW why i left after a week here!!
- i drove through town last night when i got here… wow, things have changed, the city (and salt lake too!) has grown so much, …but i didn’t see the Y on the mountain…?!
- not really missing indiana yet… but the people yes, or course.. although it’s nice to really feel ON VACATION!
- cold weather in indiana, buckets of rain in cincinnati, little blizzard in chicago… thank goodness i left the midwest!
- am going to have to forget that i’m a vegetarian for a week… can’t bother everyone who kindly invites me and say « oh by the way, i’m a vegetarian… » … not a big problem though, after all, i’ve always said i’d be a « moderate » vegetarian…
- had a headache all night and still have it this morning but who cares?? i had 3 VERY weird dreams last night too, one about the fact that i was firing one of our secretaries, one about a student, and one about a leak (of milk??!!) in my parents’ apartment in switzerland… which entirely flooded the place… anyway, can’t get into more details or you’ll think i’m completely crazy!
- my watch says 11am but it’s really 9am here, so i feel lazy but with still tons of time ahead of me: very nice feeling!
- today’s schedule: go to the ELC and surprise everyone; go to school and surprise everyone; eat lunch maybe with rob or at el azteca (delicious avocado sandwitches); talk with dr. tanner about our presentation in tesol in april; go visit the campus again and see what has changed and if i remember everything correctly; buy shampoo and little padding things for my crutches because they’re very old and maybe new shoes at the mall if i have time; have a fun evening with molli, bob, and hopefully jacob at the outback and maybe a new place that i’ve never known before; sleep… but maybe not
- enjoy enjoy enjoy every minute i can be here!! … it’s my last vacation until next christmas!!!

je suis venue te dire que je m’en vais… et tes larmes n’y pourront rien changer…

ok, no beautiful parting words, but my friends, i’m going back to utah, after two years! a whole day of airports (door to door: 11 hours!)… but if i remember correctly, you can find computers in utah, so i should be able to come back here from time to time and do hope to hear from you!

don’t want to be thinking of work/life/school for a week but have finally had to admit that i MUST take some work/homework with me… i’ll miss you all… 2,000 miles of extra distance does make a difference… but i’ll try to come back… maybe… be good and try not missing me too much

today i must:
- wake up–that’ll actually be the hardest part
- take a shower
- get my nails done
- go to the bank to cash my tax returns
- call judith to tell her i won’t stay at her house first
- call the limo to make a reservation for the airport tomorrow
- print the 140 page i must read before 6pm
- READ the 140 pages
- write/send questions to margie
- ask for an incomplet in engl. 631 or i won’t finish the semester alive
- write a note to the mailwoman so she keeps my mail for a week
- go to 2 meetings
- teach
- register for classes next fall
- write a letter of recommendation for a one of my students
- pack my suitcases for tomorrow
- clean the house
- go to class between 6 and 10pm
- call molli to make sure i can go to her place
- write to tony to accept the teaching assignment for next fall
- collect and try to grade 15 papers
- tell my landlord i’m leaving for a week
- chat with a few people
- catch a cold, which is the first thing i do when i’m on vacation
- i don’t know what else but i’m sure i’m forgetting something!

And I cite, from LuLu’s website and about my own blog: « lulu: une homonyme version jonquille et crocus, en V.0. sans sous-titre. » I guess that describes me quite well Merci!!

Feeling down these days? I guess it’s the winter or something, because many of my students are not feeling too good and I feel like I’m a « born-again shrink » or the « designated replacement mother » these days… Not that I don’t appreciate their trust and all… but I wish I could do more for these kids, I really love them and know they’re going through tough times (and the assignments I give them don’t really help). Actually, it’s interesting, because I feel quite a the end of my rope too, now, but I must « look and act » as if I was the strong one here, give advice, help, listen, care… and in the end, it’s just amazing how helping others gives me energy. If I can make one person smile, I haven’t wasted my day!

Music is helping me a lot too these days. I am currently listening to the Brahms’ violin concerto (in D, op. 77) and can feel each one of my cells go all happy inside and vibrate in unison with the music. The violin sonata No. 3, in D too, is also something that represent such perfection and beauty, especially the third movement, that I can’t resist and must feel better, at peace with the world and myself. I lie down on my bed, look at the sky and the fast-moving clouds or the stars on my ceiling, and just listen to the music, let it fill me with energy, and i forget about life for a moment.

Je crois qu’ici, les crocus n’existent pas… et j’ai entendu quelqu’un les appeller « blue tulips » un jour… quelle tristesse de ne pas connaitre ces magnifiques fleurs! En voila un, de joli crocus, que j’ai vole sur cette page aux photos qui me font rever et me redonnent un peu de courage!

I am trying to write a paper today, a case study about ethics and academic papers published by faculty members who are « forced » to publish as much as possible if they want tenure and respect. I find this highly depressing, and for two reasons: 1) This is what I’m getting into, right now, and honestly, I hate this and know I will always hate this. I know I swore I’d never write a master’s thesis and ended up writing a nice one too, but this « publish or perish » obsession is already ruining my life and I’m not yet even close to getting my doctorate!! 2) What is the point of all this? I mean, I am at home and I write one paper after another, and I worry so much about those papers and the exams this summer and my presentations at TESOL and all the things I should be doing to « look good » for my teachers and the « field » of linguistics which really couldn’t care less about me (and it’s reciprocal, thank you!)… while hundreds of people have no water to drink, no house to sleep in, no food, no cars, no jobs, no health, and lose their loved ones to war and torture and famine and despair… When this world is crying for help, here I am, writing papers! Great! I always said I’d do something meaningful with my life!! Maybe instead of worrying about the ethics of faculty publications we should worry about the ethics of bombing Iraq, for example!?

En feuilletant des blogs multiples et varies, j’ai un jour trouve ce dictionnaire imaginaire. En temps que linguiste, je trouve ce dictionnaire plein de poesie et a la fois remarquablement interessant parce qu’il permet la creation de nouveaux mots et meme de nouvelles idees, il donne la permission d’exprimer de nouvelles emotions, et il invente meme de nouvelles etymologies! C’est comme la creation d’un nouveau language, et c’est exactement ce qui manque au francais pour pouvoir survivre encore longtemps: la possibilite de creer comme ca, d’etre volatile et flexible, de se mouvoir et se transformer en suivant les formes de nos emotions, nos idees, et nos necessites et desires linguistiques.

So during the night, suddenly, I heard my printer go on and off and on and off… and I’m like « what the hell, man, this is creepy, either I’m dreaming or there’s someone in my apartment playing with my stuff! » This morning, no music to wake me up… and then I understood! Always have two alarms ringing in the morning–first, music from the radio, and a few minutes later, the actual bip-bip-bip… sometimes, the power goes down (like tonight!!!) and the music doesn’t start, and sometimes the battery of my little alarm clock is dead and thank goodness for the music! power outage tonight? strange, we must have had some serious thunderstorms during the night! Anyway, that’s why the printer went crazy, and the microwave too, and my radio’s time too. Hah… always be ready for Indiana
Yesterday the little rebel in me went all crazy: I went to target to buy some apples, oranges, and cookies for my students (I love them, what can I say!?) and in those 30 minutes, I missed two stop signs, went through a quite-very-almost red light, parked in an unauthorized space, swore profusely because the little cart-thingy didn’t work, changed lanes in the middle of this really suicidal intersection, and didn’t stop before I turned right at a red light. Fun fun fun! No seriously, the one thing I’m noticing about my little experience is this: the first thing that goes away when you don’t eat enough is your brain!! Yep, I can’t concentrate, can’t read, can’t spell, can’t drive, can’t think, can’t write, can’t teach, can’t listen to something for more than 2 minutes, can’t do anything well! The worst thing though is concentration: GONE!!! And I thought my little fat belly would be the first one to go
Jeanne ma soeur Jeanne tu pourrais me trouver les paroles de Lo Scapolo de Paolo Conte? J’adore cette chanson et j’aimerais bien savoir ce qu’il dit mais je ne trouve pas ses paroles. Grazie mille!
Ok good people, I had this idea yesterday and I created a little survey (below) to see if my idea was good, so PLEASE help me by taking it, it’ll take you 3 minutes maximum, I promise!! THANK YOU
… merde l’euro se recasse la gueule, et merde ca y est, je vais etre en retard a ma reunion!!! ciao!

Take a survey to help me with an idea for international students.

Y aurait-il donc des gens qui parlent francais et qui lisent ce bidule? Moi, je n’ai ni la prose facile ni les accents accessibles, donc ecrire en francais est plutot un exploit! C’est meme fou, je viens de lire un article a propos de la mort de Nougaro, et en retournant sur une autre page, je me dis soudain « zut, cet article sur Nougaro, c’etait en francais ou en anglais?? » J’ai du faire marche arriere et c’etait en anglais… c’est fou, non, ce que l’anglais est devenu ma premiere langue!?
Completement patraque ce matin! Il faut dire que j’ai papote sur MSN avec un de mes eleves jusqu’a point d’heure cette nuit, que je n’ai pas beaucoup mange depuis quelques jours, que je stresse a mort sans vraiment rien faire pour arranger les choses (moi, plus j’ai de choses a faire et moins j’en fais!), et que le temps est pourri! Enfin, la nouvelle marrante est qu’avant-hier, je me balladais entre blogs et autres carnets de papotages nombrilicaux-internetistes quand soudain je suis tombee sur… devinez… une AUTRE lulu!!! HA! Tout est donc possible dans ce bas monde! Et en plus, cette lulu-la (ca fait un peu Lula, president du Bresil…) n’a pas la teloche, ce qui est incroyable, parce que pensez-y bien, combien de gens n’ont pas la teloche?? Meme mes PARENTS, qui ont resiste pendant vingt ans, ont fini par craquer (juste au moment ou je quittais la maison, d’ailleurs, je me suis toujours demandee si il y avait une correlation entre les deux evenements)… et moi je dois avouer que j’ai vecu pendant trois ans dans une maison avec une tele, mais ca n’etait pas la mienne, mais je la regardais quand meme, surtout les games du NBA et ER (Urgences, pour les francophiles). Mais le reste de ma vie a ete tele-free et c’est pas pret de changer! Bon, donc elle a l’air marrante cette lulu-la, et elle aime les coquelicots, ce qui est un autre bon point en sa faveur! Les coquelicots et les jonquilles, y a que ca de vrai!
C’est pas tout ca mes enfants, mais il faut que je me leve pour aller bosser alors que tout tourne autour de moi… enfin… ca donne une nouvelle vision du monde. Ce soir, on regarde Lost in Translation, a notre « class movie night » et je me rejouis, j’adore ce film! C’est quoi le titre en francais d’ailleurs? Allez, have a great day everyone, (haha, qui c’est qui va rigoler quand je vais me mettre a ecrire en allemand et en espagnol aussi?) e bacci bacci a tutti!

L., L., L….. To everyone who doesnt believe that you live in an inbred backwards-ass, incestuous, redneck heaven, be corrected! I drove to New Jersey from Utah, and had the very interesting, yet unfortunate mispleasure of stopping in Indiana for lunch. Now, I had stopped in just about every state along I-70 on my little journey, and never in my travels had I encountered such an… well, you almost had to be there. I was in a Wendy’s, but that didnt seem to matter. You had the manager, a middle aged over-weight woman, sitting on the counter gossiping (and not being discreet about it) on the phone, the three FAT girls – one of whom actually did « work » there leaning on the other end of the counter engaged in more gossip, and cleatus and duwayne in the back throwing slices of cheese at one another and arguing over who had more teeth. The gas station, needless to say, was not much better. I wont even mention the patrons of either establishment. If this is any indication as to the daily life our beloved Ms. Moussu has to endure, then it is, and always has been AS BAD AS SHE SAYS! L., I feel for you, and remind you, that not all americans are from Indiana. Please know that there are those of us that understand, and love you and are wishing for your swift graduation so that you may get the hell out of there! And to the rest of you, please keep talking to L.! As every normal person she has contact with is a comfort that you just couldnt understand. Dont believe me? Ill buy your ticket to Indiana, and you will curse my name for showing you exactly what she has to endure!

Hang in there L.! I love you!

VIVA L.!!!

I am such a horrible person and rotten friend, my conscience is killing me, I started smoking again, and I’m not sleeping. Yeah, painful are the days and nights of the guilty ones
Must stop this, resolve, confront, confess, admit to my crime, and hurt someone I really like and admire… and pray for forgiveness… Why am I such an idiot???