Here is a message that I got one night, which I thought asked interesting questions, and the answers I wrote back.

Question: I have some strange questions to ask you, which just occurred to me today. I have been doing some readings in Postmodern and Cultural Studies. I notice that many of the authors I am reading are French, who talk about both popular and high cultures in the Postmodern age. I probably have a stereotype kind of impression of French authors, who all seem to have a good appreciation of (traditional) high culture. Then I thought of you. You had studied Music and Architecture before you majored in ESL and educational administration. To me that is a drastic shift--a shift from a high culture to a low culture, a shift from natural sensations and spirituality to rationalism-ridden, spiritless wasteland. Do you agree with my observations? What caused you to make this intellectual shift? How do you work between the two cultures on a daily basis? Or maybe that was not a shift but an intellectual expansion for you :-)

Answer: No one has ever been able before to see my radial and irrational changes in this romantic way :) This are good questions, and I've never really thought of things that way to tell you the truth. So, let me try tell you what is different in my view, between music and architecture and ESL.

When I was an undergraduate, I studied design/architecture/history of art... and also English. I needed both the intellectual and the artistic/hands-on/creative kind of work. I needed to work both with my head and with my hands. I did study literature in my English studies, which I would consider "high culture" as you call it... "High culture" is an important fact of life, need, experience, etc... but it is only good for me if you actually DO something with it and not just sit in your office and theorize about it in your head and on your computer. My "shift" then was different from what you think. When I graduated with a design degree, I wanted to continue into architecture but got scared by the "technical" side of it, the loss of creativity (you have to follow so many principles, laws, directions, restrictions, etc.), independence, "real" work for many years, and honestly, I had no ideas what I was going to do. Unfortunately, I am ashamed to also admit that I was scared that I wasn't good at anything (still feel a bit that way too). I applied for a French MA but knew that I would hate it, and one of my teachers just said one day "why don't you try a TESOL MA?" I had NO idea what that was but applied because I had heard it was a really good program... and got accepted. I found three very important things for me in this profession: creativity, intellectual work, and, very importantly, contact with people. Yes, I like it when you call this a "spiritless wasteland" because that's how it feels sometimes, especially when I am taking classes like Syntax or other research classes, when I have to read endless articles and learn more about theory than about life. However, as soon as I am in front of my students, as soon as I am able to talk, to create, to think, to work with people, and to exchange knowledge, I am happy again. I learn a lot from my students. I feel alive when I teach, when I work with people, and even when I can organize things, and solve problems, the way I do it in administration.

I must admit however that I terribly miss playing music, and if I had enough money I would definitely take music lessons again, and I do miss the European cultural environment. When I go home I feel that I know nothing compared to people there, especially compared to my family who knows everything about the arts, music, politics, etc. When I go home I do realize that I've lost the ability to feel and experience nature, beauty, culture, spirituality, as you say, and it makes me very sad and even uncomfortable sometimes because I have the feeling that I know nothing important anymore. I think I just had to forget about this world, to give it up, to let other people (like my family) take care of it. I AM indeed very tired of the classes I have to take here, tired of this country and its absence of history, culture, and thinking, and I'm also very scared of the world of people who have doctorates. That's not a world that I think I want to live in. The goal for now is not intellectual expansion, it's survival! The only thing I can do for now is finish quickly and only think about the things I enjoy, like teaching. I was looking at the UNESCO pages today (the UN section that takes care of children and education throughout the world and especially developing countries), to look at their job offers... that's something I would like to do, work for people who could use my help, a place that would accept and need my intellectual abilities but also my need to work with my hands, to DO things, to make this f'ing world a better place for a few people. I believe that such work might not be "high culture" as you say but in fact much more important to me than that--it is useful.

You are right, I have changed a lot and abandoned an important part of my life. Some things have died inside of me and I will always feel their loss. However, as we say, "even if you close a door you can still open a window."

February 2004